I'm not sure exactly why I came to the conference....I think maybe in the back of my mind, I thought I might hear something that would eventually come in handy to help Justus heal or process things that have happened in his life.
I knew Karen Purvis was going to be the main speaker. I read "The Connected Child" during our "waiting" time. Our social worker recommended the book and required that we read it. It is a very good book on adoption and the behaviors that can occur as well as solutions for helping your child transition.
I knew Karyn would "keep it real" and was not a "pie in the sky" or "if you tried hard enought or did such and such a strategy your child would start magically obeying.
I have read so many parenting books, taken umpteen classes and I'm really not interested in another method that will fail for me or any of the three of my children.
So...going back to the conference....after hearing Karyn talk for about 15 minutes I knew that God had a divine appt. for me. I knew I was there for such a time as this. Everything she was talking about matched one of my children's behavior (and ironically....not the child that's adopted.). It was so REAL that I wanted to do one of the 3 F's that she talks about: Fight, Flight, or Freeze.
I will not go into details on the blog, but several of the sessions allowed me to look introspectively into my parenting. I had to reevaluate. I had learned that I had allowed myself to become detached from one of my children. He is on the autism spectrum and we had tried many, many things to no avail.
I had NEVER heard of Trust Based Relationship Intervention. All of the speakers had my full attention.....It was "game on" for me....I saw videos of children from hard places exhibiting all kinds of behaviors and therapy and REAL people able to coach those children to self-regulate and heal....
It was all based on relationship.....I came home mentally exhausted and excited all at the same time. I wrote pages of notes in addition to the ones they gave us and bought the Trust-Based Parenting DVD series at a special promotional price since it was new. I couldn't wait to share what I had/have learned with Trevis even though I still haven't processed it all myself.
I know that much of this parenting style is counter-intuitive....This is not the parenting classes taught at church nor is it something you'll find at the Christian bookstore, but the principles are very biblical and scientifically/neurologically sound. Most importantly, they work...This is what gave me hope...They showed little snippets during the conference....not only of young children...but teenagers that this works for.
I learned that this is very TIME-CONSUMING! Amy and Michael Monroe (who run Tapestry...which is an adoption and foster care ministry at their church in TX) told us 3 very important things to remember:
1. This will NOT be easy.
2. It will be worth it.
3. You should not go at this alone.
Another thing that they said is that there is no "fixin" but rather it is all about healing. Whether our child is from a hard place through adoption or they are biological and are on the autism spectrum or have sensory processing issues, these principals can still apply.
On Saturday night when I got home, I began right away. ( I blew it on Friday night b/c I took my child to an over-stimulating event after a full day at school with nothing for him to do....result=meltdown).
I began persuing my oldest child. I know now that I have to be very intentional about how I parent my oldest and my youngest child, so my daughter can reap the benefits as well...(wink)
Part of the challenge is to be "FULLY PRESENT". I knew this in my head, but was not living it out. I had to turn off the "rectangles" in my life to be fully present and make sure that my body language is conveying that I'm happy to be with that child and that I'm interested in what they have to say. I also have to maintain eye contact and do activities with him that aren't necessarily something I would like to do. The thing I'm finding out though is that I'm enjoying it more each time we spend together.
Another part of the challenge is to spend 15 minutes 3 X a day with that child. During the weekends, I can do this. It can be either parent too, but I really need the time with this child. During the week, we are only able to do 2X a day b/c of school and sports for him.
I am happy to say that our relationship is building. The meltdowns (disrespect, aggressions, us having to walk on eggshells, etc) have decreased. We are having a lot of "do-overs" where we are practicing the desired behavior. I'll have to admit, I was skeptical that these strategies for behavioral change would actually work for an almost teenager, but somehow they do...
It is going to be labor-intensive. It's a lot of work and exhuasting when there are 3 children in the equation, but I'm already starting to see the benefits....I walked into the conference feeling like this:
And even though my mind was overwhelmed...my spirit felt this this when I left:
If you have adopted or you have a child who is in/from a hard place....there is hope! I am so thankful that I attended this conference and I would encourage you to hear from any of the speakers from this conference. You can also access The Empowered to Connect website here. You can even hear the "Insights and Gifts" video series from Dr. Purvis for free here.There are real people who have been through real difficulties with real children and come out on the other side. It is not always sunshine and rainbows. In fact, it can be extremely difficult....but it can be better....there is hope!
With Much Love,
No comments:
Post a Comment